The Plague: And How to Eat Like a Post-Apocalyptic Survivor.

Wow, 2020 did NOT turn out the way anyone expected. However, I believe we, as a people, are up to the challenge, and can handle this in a responsible… *giggle*… a responsible and mature …*snort*… manner, where we all maintain social distancing at supermarkets and only take our share…*CACKLE*…*giggle*…*SNORT*…and…*FALLS TO THE FLOOR IN A HYSTERICAL PUDDLE OF SNOT AND MIRTH*

Okay, so, based on what we have seen, we will NOT be handling the COVID-19 pandemic with grace and aplomb.

I presume you, like the rest of the world, have realized this, and have stocked canned goods and other non-perishables in an effort to never have to step foot into a supermarket again. While, for the moment, you are frantically using up your wilted spinach and fresh fruits, you will soon run into that phenomena I like to call “College Ingredient Surplus”; aka. a big bag of jasmine rice, 15 or so cans of tomatoes, 5 or 6 miscellaneous jars of weird things such as pumpkin pie filling and powdered milk, as well as way too much pasta.

Today’s survival post will be on how YOU can make the best of your hoarded canned supply while other pour souls battle each other to death at the local Costco over the last roll of toilet paper.

Bonus: All of these recipes except the paella use only one pot. No time for dishes during a pandemic!

Recipe 1: What to Do with Those Canned Artichoke Hearts


  • Can of artichoke hearts
  • Vegetable oil/butter
  • Optional: Parmesan/breadcrumbs


  1. Dry canned artichoke hearts by dabbing with a paper towel.
  2. Heat up oil or butter in a pan. If you have breadcrumbs, roll the artichokes in those before placing them in the pan.
  3. After they are crispy, remove hearts and sprinkle Parmesan on them if possible. Voila! Apocalypse snack

Recipe 2: Everything Soup


  • Onions and garlic
  • Potatoes or rice
  • Chicken broth (you can also boil a bone in water for a while, or some meat in order to make your own)
  • Optional: Anything green and leafy such as chard or spinach is the best, but you can add in literally any vegetable if you so choose.
  • Optional: Anything such as sour cream, Labneh, or greek yogurt.
  • Optional: protein of any kind. I like bacon, chicken, or pork, but literally anything will work


  1. Roast garlic in a pot, then slowly cook onions in oil until translucent.
  2. Add broth, meat, and potatoes/rice. Set soup to boil.
  3. Add spices. I like salt, dill, bay leaf, and oregano, but you can literally add ANYTHING. Dill soups are the best, but even just italian spices is fine. This soup is EASY.
  4. When potatoes/rice are cooked, turn down heat and add greens if you so choose. Mix in some sour cream/yoghurt. Sometimes I crack an egg in just for shits. It will taste great no matter what. Trust me.
  5. Voila! A masterpiece. And you only have to wash one dish!

Recipe 3: Spanish Tomato Rice

Okay, this sounds weird, but I was served it all the time when I lived in Spain. Now that flights have been officially grounded and Spain is drowning in Coronavirus, this is the closest thing to Spanish culture you’re going to get in three ingredients.


  • Can of tomato sauce or tomatoes
  • Rice of any kind
  • One egg


  1. Cook rice according to instructions on the side of the bag. Add lots of salt to the water.
  2. Pour sauce on rice. You don’t have to add spices to the canned tomatoes, but if you do, just add the usual, oregano, salt, basil, ect.
  3. Fry an egg briefly, but keep the yolk runny.
  4. Mix and eat!

Recipe 4: Everything Chili


  • Onions and garlic
  • Cans of beans. Any beans but refried will work. Just beans.
  • Canned tomatoes/ tomato sauce.
  • Optional: Ground meat. Turkey is my favorite but ANYTHING will work
  • Optional: Cheese/ sour cream or any greeky yogurt.


  1. Fry up onions, garlic, and meat in a pot
  2. Add beans, tomatoes, and water or chicken broth to get the viscosity you desire
  3. Add spices. I usually add a LOT of cumin, chili powder (paprika and cayenne will sub) a bay leaf or two, oregano, salt, and pepper.
  4. Let simmer for as long as possible. The longer the better! Add sour cream and cheese before serving.

Recipe 5: Everything Paella


  • Garlic/onion
  • Paella rice
  • Chicken broth
  • Canned tomatoes
  • Optional: protein (I love sausage, but ANYTHING will work)
  • Optional: Misc. vegetables
  • Lemons/lemon juice


  1. Cook rice in chicken broth. Add turmeric to the broth to turn the rice bright yellow!
  2. Simmer garlic and onion in a big pan. Add protein, vegetables, and rice.
  3. Mix in spices. What I use: Lots of smoked paprika, saffron, salt, pepper
  4. Optional: Place raw garlic in the middle pf the rice and stick mixture in a Traeger grill, over a fire, or something that creates smoke for an incredible taste.
  5. Squeeze lemon juice over the top! Be liberal, it’s delicious!

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